Thanks-Give-In

Cold weather makes me anti-social. Ok. Yes, I’m already anti-social but cold weather makes it worse. And to be fair I’m not really anti-social so much as introverted. Many of you may not believe that I’m introverted but it is in fact true. They say that extroverts get their energy from talking to and being around other people and that introverts get it from being quiet and alone. Extroverts need to charge up. Introverts need to re-charge. Well, I am distinctly in category 2. While you may have seen me being talkative, argumentative and maybe even charming (once), I was working really hard to do that and I was slowly depleting my energy in the process. And as I’ve gotten older it’s become even harder to muster up enough energy to go out on a regular basis. Most days the thought of having to talk and explain anything just seems exhausting. I’ve spent years bolstering my fuel tank with alcohol. I’d get a good buzz and coast for hours (or in recent years, I’d get hammered and bulldoze the whole night.) But I’ve grown tired of drinking. I’ve grown tired of hangovers and hits to my bank account, so without the booze disguise, I’m left with the reality of being an introvert.

So I’m thankful this year for giving up those illusions. I’m grateful for letting go of that mask. For the last year I’ve worked really hard on telling people “no” and being honest about my reasons, because maybe it’s time they started to see the real me. I know it’s time that I saw him myself.

Cold weather also makes all of this worse because there’s something about the cold that makes me begin to re-evaluate everything. Maybe it’s because cold weather usual begins after my birthdays comes around…well, whatever the reason, cold weather makes me think a lot about the past and it makes me dissect the present. I start asking questions like: Is that person really my friend? Why am I always the one who has to text them? Why don’t they reply to my text messages half of the time? How come every time we talk they ask me for something? I often think about Anton LaVey’s label for these kind of people: psychic vampires. So I’ve decided this year that I’m not gonna think about any of that shit. I’m just gonna coast. I’m not gonna put effort into things that exhaust me; people that exhaust me. I’m just gonna relax. I’m gonna enjoy the smell of distant fireplaces, and I’m gonna be the goddamn introvert that I am. Fuck the questions.

Published
Categorized as Thoughts

By C.A. Hall

Writer / Podcaster I'm a well-written sentence marred by a curse word. In another life I might have been a criminal profiler, a jazz drummer, an architect, an acrobat, an actor, or a children’s book illustrator.